Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
