I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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