What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wear drunk well.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
