Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
