so explain again why im purple
no
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
