my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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