I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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