if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
