In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
