I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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