you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
