I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
