I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
