If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
