I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize