The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
