The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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