I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
