I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
