what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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