I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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