if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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