please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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