sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
