my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
