listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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