I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
