good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
