Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You ate ashes out of my bong
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
