I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
