I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
