Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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