why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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