Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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