mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
