im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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