he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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