I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
