i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
