Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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