your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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