I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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