just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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