My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You left your phone here
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