I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
