I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize