my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My ass is underappreciated
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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