How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
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Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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