she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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