Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
