he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize