and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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