I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
